When do you arrive? So much of my childhood and young adulthood were spent thinking things would get better as soon as [blank] happened. As soon as I turned 10 or 12 or 13 or 16 or 18 or 21 or 25, as soon as I started middle school or high school or college, as soon as I could get a job, as soon as I could wear contacts, as soon as I got my braces off, as soon as I could drive, as soon as I got a boyfriend, as soon as I ran the mile in under 6 minutes, as soon as I weighed ___, as soon as I graduated, as soon as I grew up. As soon as [blank] happened, then THEN I would be happy.

Eventually, some of those things happened.

Sure, not always the way I thought it would or when I thought it should. But, eventually [blank] happened.

And yet … things didn’t get poof! better.

How odd.

There was no magic, mystical moment where my busy brain went blissfully calm and I felt finally at peace. That I Have Arrived! moment didn’t have any staying power. The joy fizzled away.

Other times, [blank] didn’t happen at all.

Those times were heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, bang-my-head-on-the-floor frustrating.

But you know what?

That It Didn’t Happen! moment didn’t have any staying power either. The disappointment slowly slipped away too.

Sure, it lingered longer than the joy, but it didn’t drag me under. Not getting [blank] didn’t ruin me. In fact, it taught me a lot. Disappointment sucks. But after each disappointment, I’d discover that I was tough, that I was more resilient than I knew. And each time, I’d stumble into a group of other war-weary veterans — wonderful, loving people who welcomed me into the So-Your-Dreams-Didn’t-Come-True Club and assured me there was light on the other side.

Obviously it’s good to push yourself. Having a sense of purpose — a fire in your belly — is a terrific part of being human. A lot of amazing things have happened because someone set their sights on some crazy dream and went for it. In so many ways, the world is a better place because of our innate, tenacious drive.

But I can’t continue hingeing my happiness on checking box after box after box — as if it’s all leading up to the boss-level in the video game of my life that I can finally conquer and WIN. Always striving for some long-awaited future that’s just around the corner makes me miss the life I’m living right now. I knock one goal over and pretty soon there’s another one, just behind it, peering out at me with ghoulish little eyes, promising me real happiness if I’d just do this one little thing. C’mon, just one more.* It also tends to make the people around me a little bananas.

I find myself stuck in the as-soon-as trap a lot these days. Family and writing and work and a million other expectations come with these lengthy to-do lists that promise to bring happiness to my door like a fat wriggly puppy as soon as I check the designated boxes.

Trying to make a career in publishing, that mindset is especially tough to shake. I’ll be happy/my life will be complete as soon as I finish this book. As soon as I get an agent. As soon as my book’s acquired. As soon as it launches. As soon as it gets an award. As soon as it makes the bestseller list. As soon as, as soon as, as soon as …

Stop.

Breathe.

Let it go.

It’s not [blank]’s job to make me happy, to make my life better. I can’t let it have that power over me.

I want to work toward my goals but not be swallowed whole by them.

I have to keep working on it. None of this is easy. No one said it would be. It’s a journey.

What do you do to try to find that balance?

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*Clearly there are situations when life gets better/happier/safer/saner/healthier as soon as [blank] occurs (or stops occurring). For someone who’s stuck in a cycle of abuse, addiction, poverty, violence, unhealthy relationships, prejudice, discrimination, bullying or criminal activity; or struggling with a health crisis, an eating disorder, depression or a physical or mental illness or disability; or who’s involved with something that risks his/her life, safety, sanity, health or being; or any of the other significant and very real challenges facing people today, then of course things will improve once [blank] is overcome or treated or improved or somehow made better. That’s not what I was trying to address in this post. I’m talking about self-inflicted pressure here, the kind that no one holds you to more than yourself.

© 2018 Rachel Martin. All Rights Reserved.